THE SHAWSHANK REPULSION

Okay. Lets get this shit over with. Yes I wound up in jail in Miles City, Montana.
What a shitty run. First stop was Butte. Show sucked ass. I dont know what kind of comedy they wanted, but it seemed like everytime I told a joke, it was always followed up with the classic audience comment "what the fuck?" So needless to say, they didnt get me at the Star Lanes bowling alley in Butte.

Next stop was Great Falls. Wow! Talk about paying your dues and then using that as a tax write off, then getting your big tax check because the write off is so large, then taking that check down to Moneytree, cashing it, then drive to the gun store, buy a gun, then shoot yourself. Yeah. Rough show. Only laugh I got all night was when a dude in the front row yelled out "don't quit your day job!" Which I replied with "sir, if I got a dime for everytime I heard that, I wouldn't have to do comedy"

So onto Miles City, Montana. It was a quick 6 and half hour drive.
Around 8:30 the show starts and I do my thing. It was actually a good show. Had a good time. This is were the trouble begins.

When I have a good show, for some reason the audience, aka my fans, wanna buy me drinks. Which I am usually ok with. So someone bought me a beer, then a shot of Jager, then another beer. I then got invited to go to a bar down the street. Someone bought me a beer there as well. But I didn't finish it. I really wasnt in the mood to drink. I drove over a billion miles that day and I hadn't eaten in 8 hours or so. I had enough of the bar scene so I was going to retire to my hotel room.

Walked to my car and I noticed that the spot where I had parked was a no parking zone during the day. So I decide to move it. Start the car and pull out and go around the corner. Cop pulls me over because I have one headlight out. He askes if I had been drinking at all. I said yes, I had a little. 4 beers and a shot within 3 hours. Didn't think it was a big deal.

Out of nowhere a second cop comes to my window and askes me to get out of the car. They make me do all the drunk driving tests. Follow the pen, stand on one leg, etc. All the things I have trouble doing when I am completley sober, now I have to do it with a little buzz. This goes on for about 15 minutes. I'm thinking Im cool. They are just about to let me go.

Then the unthinkable happens. They tell me to put my hands behind my back. Here comes the handcuffs. Be honest, not really comfortable. I still have the marks. Then they put me in the front seat to do a breath test. Which I think I kicked ass in. I scored a .08. Somehow thats an illegal limit in Montana. So it was the backseat of the cop car for me.
At this point I am still in denial about going to jail. Im trying to crack jokes with the cops. Im killing. Kinda.

We arrive at the jail and they run some more tests on me. More balancing acts and counting while I have my foot pointed toward the 5h moon of Jupitar or whatever. Take another breath test and blow the samething.
Then it happens. They read me "The right to be silent" thing. The cops leave and the jailer comes in and gives me my jail clothes. Yellow shirt, pants, and sandels. And this is were my mood changes.

The dude puts on rubber gloves and tells me I gotta strip down to make sure I didnt have any drugs or whatever on me. I'm thinking im going to end up in prison because there is no way I'm letting dude use his rubber hands on me. He was about to get bloody. But I lucked out. He didnt need to do a "search".

By this time it's 2 in the morning. My bail is $660. I have no money on me. Both my wallet and cell phone are in my car. so i have no phone numbers to call. No one knows Im in jail. For all I know, these Miles City jailers could make me vanish if they wanted to.
So I decide to try to get some sleep. I'll deal with it when I wake up.

Lets talk about my cellmates. I have to share a cell with two skinheads from Tennessee. One of which has a faded tattoo of a tear drop by his eye. Naturally.
Just when I think jail couldn't get anymore stressful, dude wakes up in the cell next to us. He walks out of cell to go take a shower. Dude has no shirt on, looks like Charles Manson, and has two broken arms. Naturally.

I roll over and go to sleep and a couple of hours later I wake up hearing my cellmate say out loud "Yeah...that a girl" not realizing he's talking in his sleep. This is were I about shit myself.

About 6 a.m. a jailer comes in to give us our breakfast. I ask him what my update was and he didnt know what I was talking about. But he would go check and get back to me. Three hours later he comes back. Its time I get to go make a phone call.

To get out I need to pay my bail in full. The local bondsman won't work with me because I'm out of state, I can't have someone use a credit card over the phone because the jail doesn't, and I'm quoting, "have that technology yet". So the only way I can get out is if someone wires me the money western union, or I spend 10 days in jail.

Luckly the jailer was cool and let me make more than one phone call. I couldn't remember anyones number off the top of my head so it took me a couple of times to get through to everyone's voice mail.

The jailer left the first message on my mothers voice mail.
"Hi, this is officer so & so down at the Miles City police department. Please give us a call asap. It has to do with your son."

Now in Mother language that means, "YOUR SON IS DEAD."

I had to call back right away. Left a message let her know I was in jail.
So now I have to go back to my cell and wait. Hoping that someone will get the voice mail messages.

Finally about noonish, I get news that my mother is wiring the money and the jailer has to run to the store and go get it because we are in Hazzard County. So now its just a waiting game. And what I mean by that is I was laying in my bunk waiting and staring at the steel toilet and thinking to myself, there is no fucking way. Then they served us chili. they might as well gave me exlax.

I tried to get the whole bathroom thing off my mind. So I looked at the wall and admired the wall graffiti. It was beautiful. I read two things that will stick with me for some time.
My wall read "Allin is a fag spick" & "Don't fuck with my coffee!"
I was released around 3 in the afternoon. It was then that I found out that my skinhead roomies only had a month or so left of jail, then they were moving onto 5 years in prison.
I didnt ask what for.

This night I was glad to be white!

There's a little more to this story, but I think you get the picture. Besides, I gotta go call the judge and see if I have to go back to Miles City for court.

Peace out bitches!

9:59 AM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

HOW TO RAPE A NUN

HOW TO RAPE A NUN!

Okay.

Now that I got your attention...

Hey there bitches!

Nothing really new on this blog. Only thing to talk about is the fact that your World's Greatest Entertainer may have to indeed return back to Miles City for court by the 15th of March. That should only cost me a billion dollars in gas. I will keep you updated as time goes on.

It's a little late, but I came across this little ditty of info when I was Googling myself. If you go to this website name or whatever the fuck you wanna call it, you can see a picture of me on stage in Butte, MT. It's me performing at the great STAR LANES BOWLING ALLEY!!!!!!
And if you look close enough, you can see that Im taking the biggest shit of my life on stage. Scroll down to about the 5th picture and look carefully into my eyes. Notice my soul trying to kill itself.

http://955kmbr.com/modules.php?name=Content&pa=showpage&pid=33

I love you all!

Remember everybody,
stay black.

-t

D.O.A.

Crazy Moose can kiss my ass.

So by now you can see how the Pasco shows have been going. From the time I got on stage until Harold finished his classic headlining set, the front row would not shut the hell up. Mixing that with my hang over, formed a formula known in the biz as shit. Of course while I was on stage, Harold got cocky and started laughing at my comedy raping I was taking on stage.

Knowning the a-holes weren't diggin my shit, I try to talk to them. Because I guess they're people too. I saw a white dude with a Kojak style bald head and I told him that I loved him in "The Shield". I guess that would only be funny if they knew of that show.

Someone in the crowd asked me why I don't pick on people in the crowd. I told them I don't pick on people because I can't fight. Then I move on to this attractive older woman. I ask if the dude next to her is her husband.
He buts in by saying "Yeah! And I can kick your ass!"
And theres no reason for that.

About 15 minutes in, I could sense that the crowd wanted me to stop and get off the stage. Fuck that! They are going to sit there and suffer just as I have all weekend. I think I did a tight 35 minutes. I should've done an hour.

I get off the stage and Harold gets on. I go outside and smoke.

When I come back in, the front table is even more drunk.

Their talking volume gets louder.

And the show has flatlined.

Que Pasa with Traffic?

So here I am. Pasco, Washington (TRI-CITIES)

Its 4 in the morning and I cant sleep.

I think its the pressure of success. I am sitting in my hotel room, if thats what you wanna call it, a porn dvd wont work on the laptop, I have some shitty ghetto cable, two remote controls with no batteries and the volume doesnt work on the tv.
Now I'm glad I went to college!

It always feels good to leave my hometownish (Kennewick-one of the 3 cities)and come back having fame, fortune, and most important, RESPECT.

Harrold Gomez and I blessed the crowd at the crazy moose casino! How was it? Well Mr. Geoff Brusso (yeah I know, dont have time to spell it out right)came down to host the show in front of 10 people. He felt blessed. As if the Gods gave him the keys to heaven.

We all kinda took what you call a shit. I think 6 of the people had trouble understanding english-or what I like to call "THE BRILLIANT WORDS FROM TONY MOSER'S MOUTH."

But hey, I actually had fun. Why I dont know? I had a shit show. Maybe I had a good time because Mexican people make me smile.

Literally!

Because if I didnt smile, as you know, they will stab you and do it as a family.

Can we give it up for the troops?

Alright. I need to go to sleep. I smoked a lot of cigarettes.
I smoked some, how you say, other kind of smoke that was given to me by a felon...Here's a hint...
It rhymes with weed.

Gotta go....got a big day tomorrow. Gomez and I are going over to the hotel Geoff is staying and have their free breakfast. We dont get that here at our "hotel" a.k.a. "Business Park", a.k.a "Hey! Wanna get robbed?"

Also I gotta take my dog to the vet. He has some issues.

Hope Fridays show has more people! And maybe this time Harrrrrrold Gomez will stop doing my jokes.

Doubt it.

moser out- bitches!

YOU'RE A MEAN ONE-MR. PRICK.

So I am back from the road for a couple of days.
Brad Brake and I went to the hot spot of comedy known as Moses lake. We had the great opportunity to play Moses Lake's hottest comedy club-"MICHAELS ON THE LAKE" And what a show it was.

Let me set the mood.
There were a whopping 10 people in the crowd, all scattered of course. No emcee, why would there be? So Brad had to bring me up. Once I got up to the stage I was shocked to find out that the clip that usually holds the mic was not there. Instead there was a papertowl roll duct tapped to the stand. Which allowed the cordless mic to slide easily into the roll, a.k.a holder.
Believe it or not the crowd in Moses Lake weren't too bad. I assume they were all silent laughers.

Just when I thought no one in history could eat shit harder than me on stage, here comes Brad. He proved me wrong. After an almost "NERVOUS-BRAKE-DOWN", Brad and I retired back to our hotel room.

NEXT STOP-SALEM, OREGON!

I believe that MAPQUEST should change their name to "Go down I-5 for about 6 miles, then....uh, shit, I dont know. Good luck."

Mapquest got us a little lost.

We cheated death through a blizzard in the middle of nowhere and then finally arrived in beautiful Salem.

First stop was the gig. "BIG SHOTS BAR-N-GRILL"

This is were I got the chance to meet the biggest prick in the world. This guy was the owner of the bar. Really when you run a place that puts up a bed sheet for a backdrop and puts Formica counter tops ontop of pooltables and use them for regular tables, you really have no right to be a dick about things. Nobody treats TONY MOSER like that!

Then during my set I said, "Im glad they grabbed my sheet from the hotel room and used it for a backdrop."
Then a dude in the crowd asked about the stain on the sheet/back drop.
I said it was from the hooker that I had sex with earlier. Yeah, dumb joke, but people laughed. Whatever.

Mr. Prick got angry about the comment.

I also was drinking a beer on stage, which I guess I shouldnt do that, but whatever. After my show I bought a beer and went outside to make a phone call. Before going outside, I left my beer inside on a table. When I came back in, it was gone. So I ordered another beer and started to go outside to put my shit in my car. Just as I am about to put my beer on the ground outside by the door, Mr. Prick lunges at me out of no where and grabs my beer. And says to me, "YOU CAN'T HAVE BEER OUT HERE! HAVE A LITTLE CLASS!"

Then he goes back inside with my beer. So I go put my shit away in my car and go back in to try to find this wonderful man and have some words with him.

For about a half hour I can't find him.

Finally he appears and I pull him aside.
I said I was sorry for bringing out the beer and I told him my reason for doing so. Then I told him not to talk to me like that and made sure we did not have a problem. He said we didnt have a problem and he wouldnt be calling Tribble (the promoter). I thought we were cool.

Next day, Tribble calls and wants to meet for coffee. Brad and I meet him in Portland and everything is going good. Then he askes me how much I had to drink the night before.

That mutherfucker called Tribble. Not just once, but about 3 times!

Luckily for me, Tribble was cool about the situation. I hope Tribble drops that room soon so I can go pay a visit to Big Shots and say hi to the owner one more time.

Remember kids,

Jesus Loves!

Later bitches

JESUS HATES A.M.

Well, well, well.
Look who's not "Family Friendly"...
Look who's "Too Dirty"...
And if you have the time, look who "DOESN'T GIVE A SHIT BECAUSE IT'S A.M. RADIO"...
Let me back it up bitches.
I am back in my hometown of Tri-Cities for a couple of shows. Yeeeehaa!
Thursday night I had the opportunity to play beautiful Moses Lake. And yeah, to answer your question, the fans did come out to the show. All 10 of them. So how did I do at the historical comedy club in Moses Lake?
I want you to guess. Here's a clue-
"It rhymes with TOOK A BIG SHIT."
Being the ICON that I am and never having a bad show, this puzzled me. I just couldn't figure it out. Then finally I decided to do a test. I had to know what type of humor these Moses Lakers were into. So I came up with a test to gauge where their sense of humor is at. I call it the "GOD THESE PEOPLE ARE STUPID DICKS" test.
Any comic is more than welcome to use my test. Except for Goad.
I know you're waiting to hear how this test is held. So here you go. Lucky for you people I hired an assistant to transcribe all of my shows. So here is the actual transcription of the special test part of my set.


Tony:
"So, really. What's the deal with Black people? I mean are you with me?"
(crowd very silent. Can hear hair grow-very uncomfortable)
(Tony starts to get frustrated. But he still looks very hansom)

Tony:
"Alright then PRICKS. I'm going to do a test to see what kind of humor you're into..."
(uncomfortable pause)

Tony:
"GIT-R-DONE!!!!!!!"
(Crowd goes crazy! Almost a full standing ovation.)

Tony:
"I knew it! LARRY THE CABLE GUY, a.k.a. the Pauly Shore of 2005!"
(Crowd wants to get mad, but really can't because no one in Moses Lake has ever heard of Pauly Shore.)

So the next morning Dan Rock (the headliner that I mentor) and I have to leave at 6 in the morning and haul ass to Tri-Cities to do a radio show.
I've been trying to write up a really funny build up to what kind of radio show it was. But I can't think of anything. So I'm just going to say it.
We got booked on an A.M. talk radio show. Yeah you heard me, not F.M., but A.M.
You remember A.M. The station you can never listen too because of the radio buzzing noise and the monotone djs that make you wanna kill yourself.
We show up to the radio station and they actually instructed us to be clean because KONA is a "family oriented" show.
I don't know what Asian families have to do with talk radio, but what do I know? I know enough to know that you're not suppose to call them Orients anymore. But what can you do? People are ignorant. They might as well called it "colored safe" radio. RIMSHOT!
I wanna know what family that actually sits around the radio together at 8 in the morning to listen to some talk radio dj that sounds like a principle. I guess they are out there. Because I got complaints after making an acid joke on the air.
And that's why Tony Moser is known as the "Bad Boy of Comedy".
That and I almost got fired from the show because 2 stupid bitches in the front row would not stop talking complained.
All I did was kindly ask them to shut the fuck up and take off their tops. When that didn't work, I threatened to pee on them. And the pee was going to be stinky pee because I just ate asparagus.
Had a good show besides that. Come to find out that table, two girls and their 3 guys, were swingers. I should have known.
They had that look. Y'know, ugly, poor, bad moustaches, sweet mullets, with matching ugly skank whores.
Well I think I was going to write more, but I drank too much coffee and now I gotta pee.
Until next time bitches!

konaradio.com
paulyshore.com

THE GIT-R-DON THAT STOLE XMAS

I'm going to keep this short.
Ever since I arrived back home to Tri-Cities for Christmas I have had this dark depression cloud hangin over my head. I tried so hard to shake it, but had no luck. Finally I discovered why I had such a dark cloud as a shadow.
They say comedy is dead and doesn't belong in eastern washington.
Maybe Chris Alpine was onto something when he punched out the moose head at the Crazy Moose "comedy club" in Tri-Cities.
I dont know how else to let it out. So check it out for yourselves. Look who's playin the Three Rivers Coliseum here in my hometown of Tri-Cities...
I DONT HAVE TIME FOR YOU TO GUESS.
IT'S LARRY THE FUCKING CABLE GUY!

OH YEAH, STILL GOT IT...

OH YEAH, STILL GOT IT...