CROTCH

THE SHAWSHANK REPULSION

2006-02-23T00:58:00.000-08:00

Okay. Lets get this shit over with. Yes I wound up in jail in Miles City, Montana.
What a shitty run. First stop was Butte. Show sucked ass. I dont know what kind of comedy they wanted, but it seemed like everytime I told a joke, it was always followed up with the classic audience comment "what the fuck?" So needless to say, they didnt get me at the Star Lanes bowling alley in Butte.

Next stop was Great Falls. Wow! Talk about paying your dues and then using that as a tax write off, then getting your big tax check because the write off is so large, then taking that check down to Moneytree, cashing it, then drive to the gun store, buy a gun, then shoot yourself. Yeah. Rough show. Only laugh I got all night was when a dude in the front row yelled out "don't quit your day job!" Which I replied with "sir, if I got a dime for everytime I heard that, I wouldn't have to do comedy"

So onto Miles City, Montana. It was a quick 6 and half hour drive.
Around 8:30 the show starts and I do my thing. It was actually a good show. Had a good time. This is were the trouble begins.

When I have a good show, for some reason the audience, aka my fans, wanna buy me drinks. Which I am usually ok with. So someone bought me a beer, then a shot of Jager, then another beer. I then got invited to go to a bar down the street. Someone bought me a beer there as well. But I didn't finish it. I really wasnt in the mood to drink. I drove over a billion miles that day and I hadn't eaten in 8 hours or so. I had enough of the bar scene so I was going to retire to my hotel room.

Walked to my car and I noticed that the spot where I had parked was a no parking zone during the day. So I decide to move it. Start the car and pull out and go around the corner. Cop pulls me over because I have one headlight out. He askes if I had been drinking at all. I said yes, I had a little. 4 beers and a shot within 3 hours. Didn't think it was a big deal.

Out of nowhere a second cop comes to my window and askes me to get out of the car. They make me do all the drunk driving tests. Follow the pen, stand on one leg, etc. All the things I have trouble doing when I am completley sober, now I have to do it with a little buzz. This goes on for about 15 minutes. I'm thinking Im cool. They are just about to let me go.

Then the unthinkable happens. They tell me to put my hands behind my back. Here comes the handcuffs. Be honest, not really comfortable. I still have the marks. Then they put me in the front seat to do a breath test. Which I think I kicked ass in. I scored a .08. Somehow thats an illegal limit in Montana. So it was the backseat of the cop car for me.
At this point I am still in denial about going to jail. Im trying to crack jokes with the cops. Im killing. Kinda.

We arrive at the jail and they run some more tests on me. More balancing acts and counting while I have my foot pointed toward the 5h moon of Jupitar or whatever. Take another breath test and blow the samething.
Then it happens. They read me "The right to be silent" thing. The cops leave and the jailer comes in and gives me my jail clothes. Yellow shirt, pants, and sandels. And this is were my mood changes.

The dude puts on rubber gloves and tells me I gotta strip down to make sure I didnt have any drugs or whatever on me. I'm thinking im going to end up in prison because there is no way I'm letting dude use his rubber hands on me. He was about to get bloody. But I lucked out. He didnt need to do a "search".

By this time it's 2 in the morning. My bail is $660. I have no money on me. Both my wallet and cell phone are in my car. so i have no phone numbers to call. No one knows Im in jail. For all I know, these Miles City jailers could make me vanish if they wanted to.
So I decide to try to get some sleep. I'll deal with it when I wake up.

Lets talk about my cellmates. I have to share a cell with two skinheads from Tennessee. One of which has a faded tattoo of a tear drop by his eye. Naturally.
Just when I think jail couldn't get anymore stressful, dude wakes up in the cell next to us. He walks out of cell to go take a shower. Dude has no shirt on, looks like Charles Manson, and has two broken arms. Naturally.

I roll over and go to sleep and a couple of hours later I wake up hearing my cellmate say out loud "Yeah...that a girl" not realizing he's talking in his sleep. This is were I about shit myself.

About 6 a.m. a jailer comes in to give us our breakfast. I ask him what my update was and he didnt know what I was talking about. But he would go check and get back to me. Three hours later he comes back. Its time I get to go make a phone call.

To get out I need to pay my bail in full. The local bondsman won't work with me because I'm out of state, I can't have someone use a credit card over the phone because the jail doesn't, and I'm quoting, "have that technology yet". So the only way I can get out is if someone wires me the money western union, or I spend 10 days in jail.

Luckly the jailer was cool and let me make more than one phone call. I couldn't remember anyones number off the top of my head so it took me a couple of times to get through to everyone's voice mail.

The jailer left the first message on my mothers voice mail.
"Hi, this is officer so & so down at the Miles City police department. Please give us a call asap. It has to do with your son."

Now in Mother language that means, "YOUR SON IS DEAD."

I had to call back right away. Left a message let her know I was in jail.
So now I have to go back to my cell and wait. Hoping that someone will get the voice mail messages.

Finally about noonish, I get news that my mother is wiring the money and the jailer has to run to the store and go get it because we are in Hazzard County. So now its just a waiting game. And what I mean by that is I was laying in my bunk waiting and staring at the steel toilet and thinking to myself, there is no fucking way. Then they served us chili. they might as well gave me exlax.

I tried to get the whole bathroom thing off my mind. So I looked at the wall and admired the wall graffiti. It was beautiful. I read two things that will stick with me for some time.
My wall read "Allin is a fag spick" & "Don't fuck with my coffee!"
I was released around 3 in the afternoon. It was then that I found out that my skinhead roomies only had a month or so left of jail, then they were moving onto 5 years in prison.
I didnt ask what for.

This night I was glad to be white!

There's a little more to this story, but I think you get the picture. Besides, I gotta go call the judge and see if I have to go back to Miles City for court.

Peace out bitches!

9:59 AM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

HOW TO RAPE A NUN

2006-02-23T00:57:00.000-08:00

HOW TO RAPE A NUN!

Okay.

Now that I got your attention...

Hey there bitches!

Nothing really new on this blog. Only thing to talk about is the fact that your World's Greatest Entertainer may have to indeed return back to Miles City for court by the 15th of March. That should only cost me a billion dollars in gas. I will keep you updated as time goes on.

It's a little late, but I came across this little ditty of info when I was Googling myself. If you go to this website name or whatever the fuck you wanna call it, you can see a picture of me on stage in Butte, MT. It's me performing at the great STAR LANES BOWLING ALLEY!!!!!!
And if you look close enough, you can see that Im taking the biggest shit of my life on stage. Scroll down to about the 5th picture and look carefully into my eyes. Notice my soul trying to kill itself.

http://955kmbr.com/modules.php?name=Content&pa=showpage&pid=33

I love you all!

Remember everybody,
stay black.

-t

D.O.A.

2006-02-04T13:25:00.000-08:00

Crazy Moose can kiss my ass.

So by now you can see how the Pasco shows have been going. From the time I got on stage until Harold finished his classic headlining set, the front row would not shut the hell up. Mixing that with my hang over, formed a formula known in the biz as shit. Of course while I was on stage, Harold got cocky and started laughing at my comedy raping I was taking on stage.

Knowning the a-holes weren't diggin my shit, I try to talk to them. Because I guess they're people too. I saw a white dude with a Kojak style bald head and I told him that I loved him in "The Shield". I guess that would only be funny if they knew of that show.

Someone in the crowd asked me why I don't pick on people in the crowd. I told them I don't pick on people because I can't fight. Then I move on to this attractive older woman. I ask if the dude next to her is her husband.
He buts in by saying "Yeah! And I can kick your ass!"
And theres no reason for that.

About 15 minutes in, I could sense that the crowd wanted me to stop and get off the stage. Fuck that! They are going to sit there and suffer just as I have all weekend. I think I did a tight 35 minutes. I should've done an hour.

I get off the stage and Harold gets on. I go outside and smoke.

When I come back in, the front table is even more drunk.

Their talking volume gets louder.

And the show has flatlined.

Que Pasa with Traffic?

2006-02-03T04:04:00.000-08:00

So here I am. Pasco, Washington (TRI-CITIES)

Its 4 in the morning and I cant sleep.

I think its the pressure of success. I am sitting in my hotel room, if thats what you wanna call it, a porn dvd wont work on the laptop, I have some shitty ghetto cable, two remote controls with no batteries and the volume doesnt work on the tv.
Now I'm glad I went to college!

It always feels good to leave my hometownish (Kennewick-one of the 3 cities)and come back having fame, fortune, and most important, RESPECT.

Harrold Gomez and I blessed the crowd at the crazy moose casino! How was it? Well Mr. Geoff Brusso (yeah I know, dont have time to spell it out right)came down to host the show in front of 10 people. He felt blessed. As if the Gods gave him the keys to heaven.

We all kinda took what you call a shit. I think 6 of the people had trouble understanding english-or what I like to call "THE BRILLIANT WORDS FROM TONY MOSER'S MOUTH."

But hey, I actually had fun. Why I dont know? I had a shit show. Maybe I had a good time because Mexican people make me smile.

Literally!

Because if I didnt smile, as you know, they will stab you and do it as a family.

Can we give it up for the troops?

Alright. I need to go to sleep. I smoked a lot of cigarettes.
I smoked some, how you say, other kind of smoke that was given to me by a felon...Here's a hint...
It rhymes with weed.

Gotta go....got a big day tomorrow. Gomez and I are going over to the hotel Geoff is staying and have their free breakfast. We dont get that here at our "hotel" a.k.a. "Business Park", a.k.a "Hey! Wanna get robbed?"

Also I gotta take my dog to the vet. He has some issues.

Hope Fridays show has more people! And maybe this time Harrrrrrold Gomez will stop doing my jokes.

Doubt it.

moser out- bitches!

YOU'RE A MEAN ONE-MR. PRICK.

2006-01-30T11:09:00.000-08:00

So I am back from the road for a couple of days.
Brad Brake and I went to the hot spot of comedy known as Moses lake. We had the great opportunity to play Moses Lake's hottest comedy club-"MICHAELS ON THE LAKE" And what a show it was.

Let me set the mood.
There were a whopping 10 people in the crowd, all scattered of course. No emcee, why would there be? So Brad had to bring me up. Once I got up to the stage I was shocked to find out that the clip that usually holds the mic was not there. Instead there was a papertowl roll duct tapped to the stand. Which allowed the cordless mic to slide easily into the roll, a.k.a holder.
Believe it or not the crowd in Moses Lake weren't too bad. I assume they were all silent laughers.

Just when I thought no one in history could eat shit harder than me on stage, here comes Brad. He proved me wrong. After an almost "NERVOUS-BRAKE-DOWN", Brad and I retired back to our hotel room.

NEXT STOP-SALEM, OREGON!

I believe that MAPQUEST should change their name to "Go down I-5 for about 6 miles, then....uh, shit, I dont know. Good luck."

Mapquest got us a little lost.

We cheated death through a blizzard in the middle of nowhere and then finally arrived in beautiful Salem.

First stop was the gig. "BIG SHOTS BAR-N-GRILL"

This is were I got the chance to meet the biggest prick in the world. This guy was the owner of the bar. Really when you run a place that puts up a bed sheet for a backdrop and puts Formica counter tops ontop of pooltables and use them for regular tables, you really have no right to be a dick about things. Nobody treats TONY MOSER like that!

Then during my set I said, "Im glad they grabbed my sheet from the hotel room and used it for a backdrop."
Then a dude in the crowd asked about the stain on the sheet/back drop.
I said it was from the hooker that I had sex with earlier. Yeah, dumb joke, but people laughed. Whatever.

Mr. Prick got angry about the comment.

I also was drinking a beer on stage, which I guess I shouldnt do that, but whatever. After my show I bought a beer and went outside to make a phone call. Before going outside, I left my beer inside on a table. When I came back in, it was gone. So I ordered another beer and started to go outside to put my shit in my car. Just as I am about to put my beer on the ground outside by the door, Mr. Prick lunges at me out of no where and grabs my beer. And says to me, "YOU CAN'T HAVE BEER OUT HERE! HAVE A LITTLE CLASS!"

Then he goes back inside with my beer. So I go put my shit away in my car and go back in to try to find this wonderful man and have some words with him.

For about a half hour I can't find him.

Finally he appears and I pull him aside.
I said I was sorry for bringing out the beer and I told him my reason for doing so. Then I told him not to talk to me like that and made sure we did not have a problem. He said we didnt have a problem and he wouldnt be calling Tribble (the promoter). I thought we were cool.

Next day, Tribble calls and wants to meet for coffee. Brad and I meet him in Portland and everything is going good. Then he askes me how much I had to drink the night before.

That mutherfucker called Tribble. Not just once, but about 3 times!

Luckily for me, Tribble was cool about the situation. I hope Tribble drops that room soon so I can go pay a visit to Big Shots and say hi to the owner one more time.

Remember kids,

Jesus Loves!

Later bitches

JESUS HATES A.M.

2005-12-31T10:18:00.000-08:00

Well, well, well.
Look who's not "Family Friendly"...
Look who's "Too Dirty"...
And if you have the time, look who "DOESN'T GIVE A SHIT BECAUSE IT'S A.M. RADIO"...
Let me back it up bitches.
I am back in my hometown of Tri-Cities for a couple of shows. Yeeeehaa!
Thursday night I had the opportunity to play beautiful Moses Lake. And yeah, to answer your question, the fans did come out to the show. All 10 of them. So how did I do at the historical comedy club in Moses Lake?
I want you to guess. Here's a clue-
"It rhymes with TOOK A BIG SHIT."
Being the ICON that I am and never having a bad show, this puzzled me. I just couldn't figure it out. Then finally I decided to do a test. I had to know what type of humor these Moses Lakers were into. So I came up with a test to gauge where their sense of humor is at. I call it the "GOD THESE PEOPLE ARE STUPID DICKS" test.
Any comic is more than welcome to use my test. Except for Goad.
I know you're waiting to hear how this test is held. So here you go. Lucky for you people I hired an assistant to transcribe all of my shows. So here is the actual transcription of the special test part of my set.

Tony:
"So, really. What's the deal with Black people? I mean are you with me?"
(crowd very silent. Can hear hair grow-very uncomfortable)
(Tony starts to get frustrated. But he still looks very hansom)

Tony:
"Alright then PRICKS. I'm going to do a test to see what kind of humor you're into..."
(uncomfortable pause)

Tony:
"GIT-R-DONE!!!!!!!"
(Crowd goes crazy! Almost a full standing ovation.)

Tony:
"I knew it! LARRY THE CABLE GUY, a.k.a. the Pauly Shore of 2005!"
(Crowd wants to get mad, but really can't because no one in Moses Lake has ever heard of Pauly Shore.)

So the next morning Dan Rock (the headliner that I mentor) and I have to leave at 6 in the morning and haul ass to Tri-Cities to do a radio show.
I've been trying to write up a really funny build up to what kind of radio show it was. But I can't think of anything. So I'm just going to say it.
We got booked on an A.M. talk radio show. Yeah you heard me, not F.M., but A.M.
You remember A.M. The station you can never listen too because of the radio buzzing noise and the monotone djs that make you wanna kill yourself.
We show up to the radio station and they actually instructed us to be clean because KONA is a "family oriented" show.
I don't know what Asian families have to do with talk radio, but what do I know? I know enough to know that you're not suppose to call them Orients anymore. But what can you do? People are ignorant. They might as well called it "colored safe" radio. RIMSHOT!
I wanna know what family that actually sits around the radio together at 8 in the morning to listen to some talk radio dj that sounds like a principle. I guess they are out there. Because I got complaints after making an acid joke on the air.
And that's why Tony Moser is known as the "Bad Boy of Comedy".
That and I almost got fired from the show because 2 stupid bitches in the front row would not stop talking complained.
All I did was kindly ask them to shut the fuck up and take off their tops. When that didn't work, I threatened to pee on them. And the pee was going to be stinky pee because I just ate asparagus.
Had a good show besides that. Come to find out that table, two girls and their 3 guys, were swingers. I should have known.
They had that look. Y'know, ugly, poor, bad moustaches, sweet mullets, with matching ugly skank whores.
Well I think I was going to write more, but I drank too much coffee and now I gotta pee.
Until next time bitches!

konaradio.com
paulyshore.com

THE GIT-R-DON THAT STOLE XMAS

2005-12-23T18:20:00.000-08:00

I'm going to keep this short.
Ever since I arrived back home to Tri-Cities for Christmas I have had this dark depression cloud hangin over my head. I tried so hard to shake it, but had no luck. Finally I discovered why I had such a dark cloud as a shadow.
They say comedy is dead and doesn't belong in eastern washington.
Maybe Chris Alpine was onto something when he punched out the moose head at the Crazy Moose "comedy club" in Tri-Cities.
I dont know how else to let it out. So check it out for yourselves. Look who's playin the Three Rivers Coliseum here in my hometown of Tri-Cities...
I DONT HAVE TIME FOR YOU TO GUESS.
IT'S LARRY THE FUCKING CABLE GUY!

OH YEAH, STILL GOT IT...

2005-12-11T02:13:00.001-08:00

OH YEAH, STILL GOT IT...

2005-12-11T02:13:00.000-08:00

VIETNAMESE TALK HURTS MY TEETH!

2005-11-09T20:44:00.000-08:00

Next time you whitness an insane person having a very loud argument to their invisible friend, do not get annoyed at them. Just look on the bright side and appreciate it...
At least the argument isnt in Vietnamese for the whole 45 minute bus ride.
I have seem to find my new "finger nails on the chalk board"

THE REASON WHY BLACK PEOPLE STILL GO TO THE BACK OF THE BUS TO FIND A SEAT.

2005-10-12T22:11:00.000-07:00

Dear the person who sits in the very front seat next to the bus driver and won't shut the fuck up-
Listen carefully-
THE BUS DRIVER DOESN'T GIVE A SHIT!
And neither do I.
So shut the fuck up and get off the bus.

5 in the morning isn't "find a new friend hour".

If you're not going to get off the bus, then go to the back of the bus and talk with the black guys.
But most likely the reason why they still sit way in the back is because after they got the right to sit at the front of the bus with white people, they discovered that there are a lot of annoying chatty white people.
So they said, and I quote, "Man! This white bitch won't shut the fuck up! I'm going back to peace and quite. And smoke some weed and drink my 40" or something like that.

Thank you.
Have a good day.
Sincerely,
the guy who will be robbing you shortly.

crazy people

2005-10-01T17:04:00.000-07:00

I don't know why, but for some reason I have been a magnet for crazy/insane people latley. Maybe I should be flattered that crazy people feel cool about hangin out with me to just shoot the shit. I guess I don't mind. Who wouldn't want to have a nice sit down chat with a nut job? The only bad thing is that some of them smell so bad they'd make a maget puke.
Anywho's...
My first encounter with the "wack job sessions" happened when I was coming back from playing the Boise Funnybone. And yes I rock that bitch, as I'm sure you've guessed.
I had a 2 hour lay over in Portland, Oregon. No not the airport, but the Greyhound.
So it's 5 in the morning and I'm minding my own business and out of no where this 60 year old woman starts walking up to me with the help of her crutches. Now my first clue should've been when I noticed that she didn't need crutches. But who am I to judge? She looks right at me with a confused look on her face. Here's how the conversation went.

Crazy Lady: "Are you related to the Thompson family?"
Me: "Nope."
Crazy: "Oh.You look just like one of the Thompson Son's. -pause- Yeah. They really jerked me out of my inheritance money. -longer pause- You see it all goes back to the British Government. They've been trying to get to my money for years. And the people in California, you can't trust them at all. Did you know that they kidnapped my son and now are holding him hostage because they are stealing his sperm so that they can clone him? -short uncomfortable pause- Are you sure you're not related to the Thompson Family?"
Me: "Nope."

I realize now that I should have said, "Yes I am related to the Thompson Family and you'll never see your fucking money or your son again!" Then laugh really evil like. You know, just like they did back in those 1940's villain flicks.

So the next week I decided to go down to Poineer Square to get some coffee. As I'm walking down the street, I notice a crowd of people staring at something. So of course I look. And there it was. A crazy homeless man taking his clothes off. This dude takes off all of his clothes from head to toe and proceeds to do a little dance in front of a newspaper stand. I don't know why. Maybe he saw that Kelly Clarkson was coming to town. Who hasn't got naked for that? So after dancing for a good 2 minutes, he sits down, puts his clothes back on and goes about his day.

Now for the scary guy. Yesterday I walk to the bus stop at 5 in the morning. Sitting at the stop is some dude messing around with a Safeway shopping cart. Of course. Why wouldn't he? Anyways, he sees me and starts talking to me. Here's how that conversation went.

Crazy Dude: "Hey man, got a smoke?"
Me: "Nope."
Dude: "Man I got fucked up last night. I don't even know if I'm going to work today. -pause- I can't believe there's a fucking Safeway shopping cart here! I could see a Fred Meyer cart, that's just down the street, but a fucking Safeway cart? Thats a couple of miles away. (he starts laughing)-short scary pause- Man I got fucked up last night! I was drinkin all night long! Then I smoked some crack then I shot up some cocaine! Don't ever do that. Right now I feel like putting a gun in my mouth and blowing my fucking head off! Yeah My parents are dead."

Thank God my bus showed up.

You know the bad thing about talking with crazy people is that you can never give them the right answer.

THE WORST DAY OF MY LIFE...

2005-09-27T23:10:00.000-07:00

Let me tell you all why I hate my fucking job. Wow. Where do I began?
How about the honest truth. Sounds good to me.
I know in my heart that the place I am now, I will never be the guy who shows up early and leaves late. I will never be the guy that gives "110%". I will never be the guy who does the job right and perfect everytime. Nor will I be the guy who finishes his work early and askes the boss "Hey, what other work is there to do?" I will never ever be that guy. I realized that now. I really think that I was in denial for a very long time. So I know I will never be "THAT GUY".

However, I do know the guy I will be. I'll be the guy who wakes up every morning believing in his heart that that day is the worse day of his life. I will be the guy who shows up 5 minutes before I'm supposed to. I'll be the guy who tells the boss what he wants to hear show he'll shut his GOD DAMN MOUTH and retire back to his office. I'll be the guy who does just enough work where he won't get fired. I'll be the guy that tries really hard to pay attention, but can't because all he's thinking about is how sweet it'll be when he gets back home so he can go back to sleep. And I'll be the guy taking notes about everything just incase there's a possible lawsuit that he can win just so he doesn't have to work for a couple of months.
That's the guy I am.
So what makes my job suck so much ass? Well I'll tell ya. After catching my bus at 5 am, I get into downtown Seattle around 6 in the morning. Just enough time to catch my second bus. An hour and a half later, I make it to Kent.
Here's where the fun begins. First off, I have a.d.d, dislexia, and short term memory. So how about I work a job where I have to pay close attention to detail and complete orders with numbers and letters. Perfect.
I work for a guy by the name of Rad. Yes. RAD. Rad is an ex-Marine. Problem is, I don't think he knows that he isn't in the Marines anymore.
How do I know he's an ex-marine? Certian clues. His framed picture of a bald eagle in front of an American flag with a Marine logo. The brand new truck he recently purchased has a Marine logo tint on his back window. And of course you can't forget his USMC sticker on the back of his truck.
Rad never misses a day of unnecssary yelling and insults. Most of them are directed to me.
Sure his insults offend me as a person, but his insults and comments are that of a 13 year old.
Thats the bigger problem. His insults offend me as a comic.
I have to say what really bothers me about the guy is his "jokes" or his wonderful "digs" on people. Makes my skin crawl. They consist of jr. high dick jokes, jr. high sexual jokes, and more jr. high dick jokes. I tell ya. I would rather be locked in a room where I was forced to listen to the box set of Larry the Cable Guy for days and days.
Whats even worse about his jokes, the other workers laugh at his jokes. So now I look like the asshole.
I need to stop writing. I'm going to have nightmares about work. And I don't need that at all!

EPISODE III-REVENGE OF THE FILTH...

2005-06-18T04:26:00.000-07:00

So I arrived in Tri-Cities really late tonight, or it could be considered really early. It is Saturday now.
I guess it just depends on how big of a smart ass you think you are.
So anywhoooos...I roll into the beautiful city of Pasco, Washington around 2-2:30 in the a.m. Why so late/early you asked? Well, I'll tell ya if you'ld shut your yap for a sec or two.
It all started at 6 in the morning on Friday. I woke up and went to my sweet job that I love so much. I mean after all, how can you not love being a hand model for mechanic magazines? Spent 8-9 wonderful hours working my ass off and hurting myself a couple of times.
Then I hop into the car and decide to do about 80-90,000 miles an hour on the freeway. Things were going so good at this point that I thought to myself,
"Man it would kick so much ass right now if I blew out a tire!"
Ask and you shall recieve!
"Yes may I have the blow tire special please?"
"Done."
So you are probably asking yourself, "what's it feel like to go 90 miles an hour down the freeway between two semi-trucks and have a tire blow ever so loud?"
Like honey. Sweet sweet honey.
Alright I'm going off the subject.
So to make a long story longer, I get to the Greyhound station a half hour before the bus departs to Pasco. To my surpise, at 9:00 in the p.m., the Greyhound bus to Pasco was almost full. And why wouldn't be. Who doesn't have an itchin' to go to the Tri-Cities for a weekend? After all, this is God's country!
And God has a mullet with matching 'stash on his lip and Dale Earnhart take top.
So this whole time I'm thinking I will be arriving in downtown Pasco at 1:30 in the morning. We stop at the Yakima Greyhound and low an behold someone broke into the closed greyhound. Maybe to steal some of those toy Greyhound buses. Those things are so rad.
Of course we get the pleasure of waiting close to an hour for the cops to show up. Oh goody. At least I didn't get stuck somewhere shitty and depressing.
We finally pull up to the exciting Pasco Greyhound at 2:30 in the morning! SWEET! Luckly I slept the whole way. I shouldn't complain about the Greyhound. Everytime I ride it, I always feel a lot better about myself. Why? Because I know that there is no one on the Greyhound that is more successful than me. That makes me smile a bit. (I smell a bit)

So why am I writing so much and so late? Well, if you must know, my mother came and picked me up from the station and we went to the grandtesticle (new catch phrase) Denny's for some coffee. Good idea? Not really. But I wanted to catch up with mother. Bad thing, I tried to go to sleep and now I can't. So blog it 'tis.

I really do need to catch some sleep. Tomorrow (today) is my niece's 3rd birthday. Which is cool. It's the reason why I came down. Bad thing is a lot of people are supposed to be coming over for the birthday party. And if there's one thing that I hate is more than one person hanging out in the same area.
Oh well.
Now that I am done with my novel and have blown everyone away with my very inspiring blog. I think I will go to sleep. Gotta take the niece to the mall tomorrow to buy some ice cream, a.k.a hit on highschool girls.
MAN I LOVE BEING THE CREEPY OLD GUY AT THE MALL!
Peace out bitches...
p.s.
My thanks go out to Tracy and Gabriel for the Hax shoot last week. Very funny.
And of course the Geoff's were funny as well. I have to say that or Lott will cry.
STAY BLACK EVERYONE!

SAVED BY THE BLOG

2005-05-14T14:35:00.000-07:00

It is no surprise to anyone that my blogs are not here to inspire anyone.
For Christ sake, I had to look up the word "inspire" because I didn't trust my spelling skills.
Never will I get on stage and say "Hey, look how smart I am." I do 30-40 minutes and not one big word is ever used. And I'm fine with that.
I think a lot of times these blogs turn into scenes out of Saved by the Bell.
If a lot of the comics focused more on their comedy rather than who's talking about who, then maybe there would be a little more success up here. Instead, it seems to be a bunch of bitter people that are self destructing.
No one really give a shit if you killed on a Wednesday night.
No one cares who you opened up for.
I know I don't.
In the end, all most comics care about is if you can "get them in".
We all have killed.
And we all have taken a dump on stage. So please get over yourselves.
That is all.
By the way, I promise next week I will tell you how breakfast burritos piss me off.

COMCANT.

2005-04-19T18:09:00.000-07:00

Holy crap!
I didn't even think people read my blog. I do apologize for my lack of delicious blog writes of heaven.
That's right! I SAID "WRITES"!
IT TIS A WORD. EVEN IF I PROBABLY JUST MADE IT UP.
DON'T LIKE IT?
WELL, THEN LET ME INTRODUCE YOU TO MY FRIEND THE "DAMAGE HAMMER!"
Anywhos,
Some may be askin where have I been?
Where have I gone?
"Is he dead?"
"Is he off to find the lord?"
"Is he studying to be a prop comic?"
Nope.
Just been lazy.
I promised myself that I would write a new blog at least once a week.
But then again, I promised myself I would pay my Comcast bill.
You know it's funny, you go over your bill 2-3 hundred dollars and they shut your service off.
You know who else shut off cable/internet bills?
HITLER!
I vote no on Comcast.
Okay, that's all I have to say for now.
Tune in next week when I vent in detail how breakfast burritos piss me off.

REST IN REESE'S PIECES MITCH

2005-04-01T20:11:00.000-08:00

"I used to do drugs,
I still do,
but I used to too..."

-Mitch Hedberg

TOTALED...PART ONE

2005-03-26T11:10:00.000-08:00

Totaled my car today.
I'm not sure, just assuming.
In about an hour or two, I have to go pick up my car from the tow yard and I'm pretty sure that my tow bill will exceed the value of my car.
What a shitty way to total a car. I don't even have a cool rockstar story to go along with it.
"Hey Tony, where's your car?"
"Oh, I totaled it."
"Wow! How did you do that?...Let me guess, you got really drunk and wrapped it around a tree."
"Nope. I paid my tow bill."
My poor car.
Back in December, I picked up Killorn from work.
I pulled up to her building of employment and turned off my car. About 5 minutes later she comes out and gets into the sweet ride. I try to start it, but it won't start. So I pop the hood and stare at my engine as if I know how to fix the problem. As I'm looking at my car and my self esteem slowly disappears, people drive by in their really nice running cars and stare at my car.
Y'know if I had a really nice car, people would stare and think, "Damn that's too bad."
But the kind of car I have, they stare and think, "Yep. Figures."
So after shouting many bad words, I find a parking worker guy and he lets me use a battery charger. After charging for about 15 minutes, the beast starts and we are on our way. Get home, turn the car off and try to start it right away. DEAD. So I put it off.
About a week later, I go out to the car and it has the biggest flat tire in history!
So I put it off for a day or two. The day I decide to go out to fix he flat, it starts snowing.
Now my luck starts to get worse.
As I'm freezing my balls off, I try to jack up my car, but my jack doesn't go up high enough. I mean, why would it?
So I find another jack. Jack it all the way up, then find out that the hubcap has a lock on it.
Let me repeat that.
MY 85 PONTIAC PERIESENE, THAT NOBODY HAS EVER HEARD OF, HAS A FUCKING LOCK ON THE FUCKING HUBCAP!
But it doesn't have a lock on all the hubcaps. Why would it. The only locked hubcap is the one that has a FUCKING FLAT TIRE WRAPPED AROUND IT!
As I slowly jack my car back down, some asshole has the nerve to say, "Flat tire huh? Wow that sucks."
Thanks so much for the info-JACKHOLE!
To make a long story even longer, about a month ago the car gets towed.
Now I have to get the car out and move it to Les Scwab so they can fix the flat and battery. Lucky for me, Les Scwab is right across the street from the tow yard. And for low price of $70.00 the tow company would tow it for me.
WOW! ONLY $70.00 TO TOW IT RIGHT ACROSS THE STREET?!! BLESS YOU TOW COMPANY. NO, REALLY BLESS YOU. YOU'RE TOO GOOD TO ME!
The moral of the story is, never use you're own car to pick up Killorn from work.

WATCH YOUR BACK MR. FLU!

2005-03-23T17:17:00.000-08:00

Could someone tell me who the asshole is that starts a cold and spreads it to the world? Because I feel like shit.
Everytime I get sick, someone always tells me,
"Well the flu is going around."
That's just great. How about we find the son of a bitch who started it in the first place and beat the piss out of him.
Who is this flu stranger?
Why does he breath on me?
What's his deal?
If I didn't know any better I'd say he's some kind of jerk face with no morals.
So if you're out there Mr. Flu, I'm on to you.
Watch your back, you piece of crap.

I'M A BETTER DANCER THAN YOU.....SUCKA

2005-03-17T16:21:00.000-08:00

Wow.
I really don't know what to write about. Not a whole lot has happened this week. Sorry to say to all of my bitches.
No, I take that back. I had the chance to watch one of the best movies of all time.
Yep, you guessed it...'YOU GOT SERVED".
And to think, all this time I thought the movie was about a lawyer coming to your door becuase you seem to be "spending too much time" hanging out around your exgirlfriend's house. Hmmm. Weird.
YOU GOT SERVED was actually about a bunch of "crazy" street dancers who compete against each other.
Wow! And I thought open mic was brutal.
If you have not seen this piece of work, I suggest you do. I never knew that dancing could be so cool. Makes me want to go buy some flashy clothes and go beat the piss out of some hip hop kids.

METAL HANGOVER!!!!!!

2005-03-12T15:59:00.000-08:00

It's days like this that I wished that I was back in high school.
I wish I was in class with my new Pee Chee folder so that I could write on it in colorful black ink-"JUDAS PRIEST ROX".
Kinda gay?
Maybe. But I don't give a poopy. Because I bought the new Judas Priest and it kicks ass!
Yes, I just said that.
To all you Metal fans out there. I suggest you go buy it now!
Yes indeed I wish I was back in high school. Walking through the mall made me miss it a bit. And what I mean by that, is all the hot high school girls still don't talk to me.
How did I become the old creepy guy at the mall? Boy, time sure does fly by.
Peace out bitches.

CARROT FLOP SMELLS LIKE A BEATING.

2005-03-05T09:05:00.000-08:00

I really don't know what to write, but I promised myself I would write a new blog once a week. So if this one isn't entertaining, eat it!
Dan is a guy I work with, who just happens to believe that he's really funny and "wacky".
I don't agree with him. He knows I don't agree with him because I let him know everyday.
Why is it everytime I start a new job, when everyone at work finds out I'm a comic, they flood me with jokes?
"Well you're a comic, you must like hearing jokes."
Yeah I do. How'd y'know?.
Idiots.
I know it comes along with the job, but Jesus!
Wish I worked with a singer, so I could follow him around all day and sing him songs I heard off the radio.
I think my anger towards these "people' started about a year ago before a show in Klamath Falls, Oregon.
"You the comic?"- says the retarted drunk truck driver.
I respond with, "Yes, I am."
He then tells me to tell him a joke.
So I tell him to pay me.
Then the most amazing thing happens, and I quote:
"Okay, well I'll tell you a joke then...
Two guys walk into a bar, see...
And the bartender-(pause...wait for it...)
Wait a minute...How do I know that you're not going to steal it?"
"Good point, sir. Better keep it to yourself."
So anywhoooties, back to the dude at work that thinks he's funny. You remember...Dan?
Now normally I might get a little upset when someone doesn't find me funny. But there are exceptions.
There are times when I'm thankful that a person might not find me funny.
Case in point-
Funnyman wannabe Dan.
About a week ago, he tells me that he just doesn't find me funny.
10 minutes later, he had the balls to ask me if I "do things like Carrot Top-because he's really funny."
'Tis unfortunate that I didn't have a knife on me. Because I would have stabbed the son of a bitch.
I haven't been this disturbed since I found out that my father was a fan of Larry the Cable Guy.
It's people like Dan who remind me over and over and over and over and over that comedy is a gift.
You either have it or you don't.
And Dan....no.
I wish he had autism.

Thats all for now.
Time to go cure my hangover.
Peace out my bitches.

DEAR WILL SMITH...STOP MAKING MOVIES. PLEASE.

2005-02-20T14:04:00.000-08:00

Dear Mr. Smith.
My name is Tony Moser and I am a very well known comic.
Everyone knows me.
Everyone loves me. It's true.
I have very large arms.
I'm kind of a big deal.
Anywhoooos-
I'm writing you this letter because I think it's time for you to stop making movies. I really can't take it anymore.
Why? Where do I start?
I could start back in the "Fresh Prince" days, but that would be way too low. How about we start at your wonderful movie "Ali".
Why did you make this? Seriously. I thought it was some kind of joke. "Will Smith as Ali!"
Thats as bad as Jamie Kennedy in...
well...any movie really.
You know, it wasn't enough punishment when you gave us "I-Robot"...should have been called "I-Bored" or "I-Make Too Much Money"
Now you bring us "Hitch"?
What in the hell are you trying to do? Make all of the rest of us guys look bad? The only way you could've made that movie more painful is if you casted Cedric the Entertainer. But he was probably too busy shooting "The Cookout BBQ Barbershop 5" or something.
So Mr. Smith, I beg of you...please stop making movies.
We get it.
You're rich and chicks like you.
But can you take a punch? I doubt it.

Sincerely,
Tony the Moser

HILARY DUFF AND THE NEW AIDES!

2005-02-15T17:26:00.000-08:00

I heard on the news today that "they" have discovered that there is a "NEW AIDES" out on the streets. FINALLY! NEW AIDES!
Lets be honest. The old AIDES was really getting old and boring. I mean, with the old AIDES you would get it, but it might not become "full blown AIDES" for many, many years. And with the meds of today they can slow it down a bit.
Now I'm no doctor, but that sounds like a total pussy way to go out.

That's why NEW AIDES kicks so much ass! Because once you get it, you get "full blown" in a month or two. Meds to slow it down? I don't think so.
That kicks so much ass!

With news of NEW AIDES out on the market, it brings new life. It's like a breath of fresh air.
It brings me back to the days when Hillary Duff's debut cd first came out. It was so cool! I would listen to it on my headphones everytime I went out to go work on my thighs, either at the gym or when I would go rollerskating in very short bluejean cutoffs. It inspired me and made me happy. But then it got old. Hillary Duff got old. So what happened? Hillary Duff II happened-sucka!!! She released her second album. I don't think I'm alone when I say that it was breathtaking.
I started listening to Duff's second album and forgot all about her first. But one day, I came across her first cd when I was practicing for my rollerskating dance auditions. I sure appreciated it a lot more the second time around.
So thank God for new AIDES. Because now we can see how cool the old AIDES was.
And by the way, why don't the Muslims open up firework stands? I think they would make some awesome fireworks.
www.hilaryduff.com

MATRIX MALL NERDS...RELOADED AND RETARTED!

2005-02-09T17:20:00.000-08:00

What on earth posseses a person to wear a black leather Laurence Fishburne, a.k.a Morpheus, Matrix cape/jacket out in public and on the bus?
And not just any ol' cape/jacket. No, no, no. This cape/jacket had straps and buckles. Why? I have no idea. I'm guessing the buckles were there to hold in his "Matrix Mall Nerd" b.o. smell.
The kid I saw on the bus today wore this outfit and was fine with it. He had two friends with him and they seemed to be fine with it. Of course, why wouldn't they? After all they were wearing matching Burger King cardboard crowns. Who are they to judge?
I was thinking, instead of the fake leather buckle outfit, he should've just wrote on a big piece of paper in big black letters-
"WOULD SOMEONE PLEASE BEAT ME UP AND TAKE MY MILK MONEY? I WOULD REALLY ENJOY THAT."
I picture this kid saving 3 weeks worth of Orange Julius paychecks just so he can go to Hot Topic and buy the cape wih buckles-before waiting in line for 6 hours to buy tickets to the new Matrix movie.
These kids give me confused emotion. It's a cross between wanting to smack them and wanting to smack them then take a shower to wash off the nerd dust.
Is it their personality? Or is it their dog collar they made themselves out of human skin that they bought off of EBAY. I don't know...
I heard they even creep out the D&D Nerds. And that isn't easy.
SO TAKE HEED NERDS! THERE'S A NEW BRAND OF NERDS IN TOWN AND THEY WEAR LEATHER CAPES WITH BUCKLES!

http://www.orangejulius.com

BACK IN 2ND

2005-01-30T15:12:00.000-08:00

I had rocking time at the 2005 Giggels Comedy Competition. Thank you to Terry and the dude pouring me many many drinks. I feel like I did a beautiful job playing the part of a stand up comic. If you think I'm wrong on that, well then you are a bad person.
But enough about me. After all, I only finished 5th. We need to acknowledge the REAL winner here. And no it's not Drew. Sure he finsihed 1st and won the laff-off and that's cool, but it's also an easy challenge.
I don't think I'm alone when I say we need to congratulate Scott Black. Coming in second for the 30th year in a row. Now that's consistency!
People wonder how he does it? Where does the magic come from? Is he even human? I laugh when people ask me these questions. I laugh at their ignorance and their ability to be so naive with the comedy world.
You see, when others are busting their ass writing, hitting the clubs every week, and sacrificing stupid little nonsense things like relationships & rent, Scott Black becomes the MAN, THE MENTOR OF COMEDY, if you will, and stands up and says "fuck that! I can't be bothered with all of distraction. I have a full time job and a family to worry about."
It's these times that I feel truley blessed.
I saw Andy Peters rock the room harder than Scott Black, and yet MR. BLACK still won. That's amazing! Almost as amazing as inviting 300 fake friends to come down and still not winning the competition. BRILLIANT!
I saw SCOTT BLACK walk around for 20 minutes going over his set list that he hasn't changed since 1958. BRILLIANT!
But what blew me away was his sense of irony. His name is SCOTT BLACK. So how does one work that name into an "act"? With perfection and true respect for the art of the business. He walks in with a "BLACK" leather jackett that is covering his "BLACK" shirt underneath. Oh I guess he's all done with the play on words.
I SAY NO, HE IS NOT!
He comes out to the song "BACK IN BLACK" and proceeds to dance around like a nerdy gay "BLACK" man. CAN YOU SAY....BRILLIANT?
Hats off to Scott Black. I commend you.
All this time I was under the impression that to be a successful comic I would have to do supid little things like go on the road to perfect my act or something like that. God! I'm so stupid! This whole time I was going on the road sleeping in my car and pawning cds for gas money to get to my next gig. Busting my ass night after night while my girlfriend leaves me and moves out. How did I become so stupid?!
This whole time, I thought you had to care and put everything you had into comedy. Boy is my face red. I went about it all wrong.
I just wish I had 300 fake friends and had a last name that was a color, then I wouldn't have to be bothered with writing an act. Because lets be honest. Writing jokes is nothing but a big distraction.
PAY ATTENTION SEATTLE COMICS!...SCOTT BLACK IS ON HIS WAY!

GIT R DUM-NOW WITH FANNYPAX

2005-01-23T11:37:00.000-08:00

I'm not one to open up and tell people about my personal life at all. I always felt my personal life was too boring and/or too weird. But what happened to me yesterday was such a shot to the heart that I feel I have to tell all of my peeps. Brace yourself peeps. It's not pretty.
So today my dad and step mom are leaving for a cruise around Mexico. Yesterday they drove up from their home town of Entait, WA. Which you may or may not know, is a suburb of Wentachee. What kind of town is Entait? Well pay attention and that answer will be told to you.
Friday afternoon I give my father a call and we all decide to meet at the bar next to his hotel in the ritzy part of Seattle known as "SeaTac".
"Gregory's Bar & Grill". It looked more like a Tribble room gone bad. I mean really bad.
Now growing up I idoloized my father like most kids do. He was a superhero to me and he could do no wrong. Well apparently age and bottles of MGD's makes people do a lot of wrong.
We're sitting there for about an hour talking about comedy off and on, drinking & having a good time... when it happens!
My father takes a final drink of his beer and he says the most cancerous thing ever. And I quote:
"Hey, you ever seen that Larry the Cable Guy? He's pretty funny."
OH MY GOD!
Life was going so well.
Wha Happa?
That's not all. My Stepmother decides to give me some advice:
"You could learn something about comedy watching him."
EXCUSE ME?
Never in my life have I been so close to wanting to throw up on a bar table and stab someone at the sametime. What a weird emotion.
I thought they would drop it, but no. They decided to go on and on how funny Larry the Cable Guy was.
A little bit of my soul died Friday night.
As I left the bar, it just then hit me that my parents were wearing fanny packs.

THIS IS FOR THE CHILDREN....

2004-12-03T19:19:00.001-08:00

I don't know how to even bring this up.
So many of "us" spend so much time trying to impress one another; whether it be "bringing the funny" or trying to show each other how many "big words" we can use in a paragraph.
It's time for me to reveal the true me...
THE TRUE TONY MOSER.
I love to entertain the people of the world and I love bringing inspiration to all of the Seattle comics, even though I can't stand having a single conversation with any of them. The point is, is that there is a lot to TONY MOSER that no one knows. There is a larger heart of gold that no one has ever seen. There is a side of TONY MOSER that borders between Savior and Martyrdom. It's true. Very true.
It's FACT!
I'm done talking about "the funny." I want to talk about the real issue that's very close to me and is more important to me than seeing every comic in Seattle fail.
And of course this issue is probably the same issue that's on everyone's mind. And what is the issue? Well I'd tell ya if you'ld shut your God damn mouth.
The issue is this:

PROFILE OF LEPROSY IN CHILDREN: PAST AND PRESENT:
What is leprosy? You ask?
Well in America we call it Geoff Lott's act.
This is a problem that has cause me to miss many hours of sleep at night. Why doesn't anyone care about this? Oh, I guess it's because they assume that just because they don't live next to a Portican they don't have to worry about children with Leprosy. Well maybe this will change their minds. Here are some cold facts about children with leprosy:
The profile of leprosy in children currently seen in a referral hospital is compared with that of children with leprosy admitted in the 1970s. Children with leprosy under the age of 15 years in 1974 and 1979 comprised one group (Group I) while those during 1989 and 1994 constituted the second group (Group II) The variables studied included age, sex, type of leprosy, deformity and contact status. Multidrug therapy (MDT) was introduced in the treatment of leprosy in 1982. The probable change it has made in the presentation of leprosy in children is discussed.
What do you think about that?
That is all for now.
Please start thinking about joing the fight for children with leprosy.

LATER BITCHES.
I LOVE YOU ALL!

THIS IS FOR THE CHILDREN....

2004-12-03T19:19:00.000-08:00

GIT-R-DUMB

2004-11-07T20:29:00.000-08:00

SOLD OUT MONTANA PRISON TOUR 2003

WE'RE FUCKED!

2004-11-03T16:36:00.000-08:00

YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?
YOU'RE IN BUSH COUNTRY, BABY....
YOU'RE GONNA DIE!

PICTURES FROM THE VAULT

2004-11-02T19:48:00.000-08:00

HENNEGAN'S 1983 HEADSHOT:

GEOFF LOTT'S ACT:

JAKE DILL'S HIGH SCHOOL PICTURE:

http://www.clayaiken.com/

MARLON BRANDO'S AUDITION TAPE FOR WATERWORLD II:

STEVE GUTTENBURG IN SAD TIMES:2004

http://www.funlol.com/funpages/space-people.html

COLD-A-SORE-US- REX

2004-11-02T15:45:00.000-08:00

Yes, indeed it has come back.
Hours before a rockin' show in Walla Walla, your hero received a nasty cold sore. The picture above has nothing to do with my "sore", but I thought I would put it up because he looks so happy. And there is nothing happy about a cold sore. NOTHING AT ALL! JUST TO LET YOU KNOW!

Sure it's not the most attractive thing.
When I have a cold sore, I am full aware that woman all around the world aren't screamin' out-"HEY...YOU! PLEASE PUT YOUR PENIS INTO MY VAGINA...."

I know that.
Yet, people around the world, who never have been blessed with a temporary birth mark that looks like its been infected with street Hepatitis A, still view the situation as if they were the first person to ever discover it. Suddenly they turn into the Christopher Columbus of face cancer.
"Hey you know that's Herpes, right..ha,ha,ha.."
"Oh really? Could I use that? Because I never heard that before. No really!...in my 29 years of living, that is definitely the first time EVER that I have ever heard that! You should really think about selling that joke to Carson."
I swear to all hell, all these people are so lucky that I am not in the Crips anymore. Because as you may or may not know, I used to blast fools with my gat for poppin' their mouths off like that. I'd be like-"Step up playa. Lets do dis...'click-click!"(The click-click was the noise of me "blasting" a fool)
And what's a "fool" you ask? A "fool" was the guy that wore those funny hats in the medieval times days.
So what's my point? I don't know. I hate getting a cold sore. Now I know what a woman with very large boobies feels like.
No one ever looks me in the eye.

So you have jokes about my cold sore, fine. BRING IT!
Just remember...I'm working on a new catch phrase (that Geoff Lott will probably steal)
It goes a little something like this:
"I COULD HAVE YOU HURT"
And what I mean by that, I could pay some bad people to come to your house and hurt your feelings.
Okay now that that's all out of the way, who wants puddin?
http://www.euromeds.co.uk/cold-sore-pictures-valtrex.htm
http://www.thepainrelief.com/fever-blister/cold-sore-pics.shtml
I LOVE YOU ALL...

THE MUSIC OF DAVID HASSELHOFF-

2004-10-29T18:52:00.000-07:00

Did Christmas come early? I think it did.
Enjoy the Trilogy...

Man I wish I was gay!

Makes me proud to be an American.

Old School Hasselhoff.

Some say Hosselhoff totally sold out with this album. Just like Metallica when they made the "black" album.
To be honest, I don't know if I can agree with that.
What do you think? What is your favorite Hassolhoff album?
http://www.davidhasselhoff.com/music.html

THE GAY TEAM!

2004-10-29T18:05:00.000-07:00

You know a lot of people might be afraid of The A Team. A lot of people, I hear, have a lot of respect for The A Team. Well I'm here to tell ya that The A Team doesn't impress me one bit! Why should they?
Just a bunch of jerks riding around the country in a van. A bunch of jerks that are hidin' from the law. The FBI is always looking for The A Team...Well, hey! Here's a thought. Take that stupid logo off your rapist van. That might help a little.

Some people have told me that I'm just a little bitter towards "The Team" because I only lasted 3 episodes. That's me with the long hair. I guess America just wasn't ready for a Transexual crime fighter. And it's too bad "The Team" doesn't realize that I'm a good person.

Yeah...this picture was really necessary. This photo was taken minutes after I was fired off of the show. And I remember telling the cast that I have already signed a deal with CBS for a new show that I wrote. The T Team!
The T Team was a group of mean-hip transexuals that traveled all around the country fighting crime. I think they new damn well that they were on their way out and I was on my way up! It's a damn shame that my proposal for the show blew out of the window of my van on the way down to the pitch meeting with producers. I guess I should have made a 2nd copy.
Lessons learned.

Well, A-Team, you may all be smiles now, but your time will come and soon your show will be off the air.
And by the way, the "T" in "Mr. T", stands for Transexual.
http://timstvshowcase.com/store-ateam.html

The Myth of Tom Selleck...

2004-10-29T14:52:00.000-07:00

I know some of you might be thinking to yourself, "Why on earth is there a blog on Tom Selleck?"
Well I say to you this: "Why not?!"
There's a lot about Tom Selleck that people don't know. And I can't keep it in any longer. The people need to know the truth about Tom Selleck before it's too late.

A visionary? Yes. A brilliant Actor? Of course. A good person? Sure, if you're into Nazi's!
That's right. Tom Selleck is a Nazi. It's a fact. How do I know? Because bitches! I know everything there is to know about Mr. Selleck.
Don't any of you find it a complete coincidence that none of the co stars on Magnum P.I. were Jewish? You don't find that weird?
Well maybe you find this little gem of info interesting.
Do you know what MAGNUM P.I. is spelled backwards? That's right. I.P. MUNGAM. What does that spell? I have no idea, but it looks German.

Look at him! Look how cocky he looks. It's so obvious he hate Jewish people. Look at the hat! What in the hell is he trying to prove with that hat? Is he a pilot? Does he fly planes? This angers me to no end! Why doesn't anyone else see whats going on?

Don't even get me started on this.
You know what this pictures says? That's right.
"It's okay Jewish people. I'm not going to hurt you. It's just me...friendly ol' Tom Selleck. How could I possibly hurt anyone with a bright red TIGERS hat on?"

Oh and pour ol' Higgins. You feel sorry for him don't you. Well I wouldn't. Where have I seen a look like that before...hmmmm, I wonder-

What the hell is Higgins? Is he English? Is he Australian? Is he gay?
Now this next picture really threw me-

I had no idea Travis Simmons was on Magnum P.I.

I'm sorry to end this Tom Selleck exposure so quickly, but I'm very angry. Check out the info on his website. You be the judge!

Until next time bitches!
http://tomselleck.tv-website.com/

DUANE "BO" GOAD:THE UPDATES

2004-10-27T15:45:00.000-07:00

Yes folks. This is the actual picture of the one and only, Duane "Bo" Goad. A true American.
Not too many photos were ever taken. Duane was always too busy working on the milk farm.
Rumor has it that he even volunteered for Vietnam. Not a big deal to you? Well he volunteered in 1984! What do you think about that?

This is a picture of his beautiful mother, Molly.

Duane's hansom father, Gern.
Gern took milk farming very serious. So serious he never took a break to go to the bathroom.
If you look close, you can see Gern is shitting himself right now.

Now growing up, Duane never had many friends. I guess they just didn't understand milk farmin' the way Duan did. But it was said that Duane did in fact have a very close friend by the name of Josh. Josh the butterfly. Here'sa beautiful picture of Josh.

Josh lived for 3 weeks. Father Gern stepped on him.

Ahhh. Duane's first tractor. I do believe this is where he lost his virginity.

Now it's rumored that this is the area where Duane and father Gern murdered their first hooker.

Well folks that's all for now.

LOTT-MEET ME HALF WAY

2004-10-27T15:07:00.000-07:00

So Lott wants an arm wrestling match, eh? Figures. He can't fix any problem unless there's violence. Don't get me wrong my peeps-I will arm wrestle Lott. I will sweat and I will bleed...why? No reason.
I will walk down that isle...strap up the wrist...and slam Lott's arm down on the table so fast that his arm will catch on fire.
Oh yeah...that'll happen....
BUT NOT TONIGHT!
I want my arm to be at 100%. And right now it's only about 48%. I hurt myself pulling an orphan out of a burning building last night. But really, that's none of your God Damn business!
Please enjoy these inspiring words from Kenny Loggins, who I believe wrote the best score for a movie soundtrack. Not since "gotta gotta gotta cut loose-FOOTLOOSE...." You know that whole dancing fighting movie. It's Lott's 2nd favorite movie.
His 1st movie you ask?
Well duh...everyone knows Lott loves watching "Waiting to Exhale..."
Good day bitches!

Meet Me Half Way

Performed by Kenny Loggins

In a lifetime made of memories
I believe in destiny
Every moment returns again in time
When I've got the future on my mind
Know that you'll be the only one

*Meet me half way across the sky
Out where the world belongs to only you and I
Meet me half way across the sky
Make this a new beginning of another life

In a lifetime there is only love
Reaching for the lonely one
We are stronger when we are giving love
When we put emotinos on the line
Know that we are the timeless ones

(Repeat *)

PAULA POUNDSTONE-GEOFF LOTT...WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?

2004-10-26T16:26:00.000-07:00

So here we are again. He said this, she said that. Y'know, I grow very tired of these games. Very tired.
Who does Geoff Lott think he is? A funny person? I doubt it. Who in their right mind would ever think that? Lord knows its not me who thinks he's funny.
Y'know who else doesn't believe that Geoff Lott has the funny?
AMERICA.
And earth!
FACT!
It's no secret. Geoff Lott is a cookie cutter comic. It's a fact that 99.9 % of his act is lifted from Paula Poundstone. Everybody knows it, but are too afraid to say anything to Lott.
It's like that old joke. "Hey what's the difference between Paula Poundstone & Geoff Lott?
Paula Poundstone likes girls."
Geoff Lott also kind of reminds me of Cory Haim, the 1992 Corey Haim. Y'know the Cory Haim that realized his career was over before it got started...
So I guess Geoff Lott is a Paula Poundstone/Cory Haim cover comic.

To my peeps:
I'm sorry I have no song lyrics for you. But I do have some of Paula Poundstone's schedule and Cory Haim's film credits. If you want Geoff Lott's schedule for the weeks ahead, call the downtown McDonalds and ask for Don. He's the manager. He could tell you Geoff Lott's schedule. He writes it.

Peace out bitches!

PAULA POUNDSTONE: SCHEDULE

Fri	10/29/04	Pella, IA	Pella Opera House

Thu	11/04/04	Erie, PA	JR's Last Laugh

Fri	11/05/04	Erie, PA	JR's Last Laugh

Sat	11/06/04	Erie, PA	JR's Last Laugh

Sat	11/13/04	Las Vegas, NV	Boulder Station Hotel & Casino

CORY HAIM: FILM CREDITS

Back Lot Murders, The (2001) .... Tony
Without Malice (2000) (TV) .... Marty
Merlin (1998/I) (TV) .... Wilf
... aka Merlin: The Magic Begins (1998) (TV)
... aka Merlin: The Quest Begins (1998) (TV)
Demolition University (1997) (V) .... Lenny Slater
Never Too Late (1997) .... Max
Busted (1996) .... Clifford
Demolition High (1996) .... Lenny Slater
Fever Lake (1996) (V) .... Albert
Shooter on the Side (1996)
Snowboard Academy (1996) .... Chris Barry
Life 101 (1995) .... Ramsy
Dream a Little Dream 2 (1995) .... Dinger Holfield
Fast Getaway II (1994) .... Nelson Potter
Last Resort (1994/I) .... Dave
... aka National Lampoon's Last Resort (1994)
... aka National Lampoon's Scuba School (1994)
Double Switch (1993) (VG) .... Eddie
Anything for Love (1993) .... Chris Calder/Chrissy Calder
... aka Just One of the Girls (1993) (USA: TV title)
Blown Away (1992) .... Rich
Double 0 Kid, The (1992) .... Lance Elliot
Oh, What a Night (1992) .... Eric
Fast Getaway (1991) .... Nelson
Prayer of the Rollerboys (1991) .... Griffin
Dream Machine, The (1990) .... Barry Davis

GEOFF LOTT SCHEDULE:

M-Su: Who Cares.

LOTT: Hack all night-Jerk all day...

2004-10-25T13:48:00.000-07:00

It seems to be that a Mr. Lott tries to keep me down like a Black Man in California. Well I tell you right this second-that is not going to happen.
And I will tell you why.
Geoff Lott is not even in my league. Nor will he ever be. Sure he will try to impress people by trying to dress like Duane Goad, or do jokes that I heard a 1,000 other times by a Ms. Paula Poundstone. But you have to ask yourself, "what does that do to the soul?"
It burns the soul. That's what it does. Goeff Lott is a soul burn person. And not to spread rumors, but he likes to rub his body on poop. I heard that was true.
Like I said, Lott isn't in my league, duh...but he is in his own special league.
THE LEAGUE OF STUPID DUMB-DUMB POOP MOUTHS WITH POOPY JOKES ABOUT NOTHING BUT POOP!

A little birdy told me that I should stop with the Poison song lyrics. Well I find that a little odd, mainly because I never knew I understood "bird". So I promise you bitches-no more Poison song lyrics.

I gotta be going, so enjoy these lyrics by SLAUGHTER

Up all night, sleep all day
Up all night, sleep all day

When evening comes I am alive
I love to prowl around in the streets
It's the moonlight that controls my mind
Now I've got the power to speak

Awake from dusk to dawn
Watching the city lights
Stars are shining down
They'll be shining down
On you and I
And when the morning comes
And I'll hold you
'Til the morning light

Everybody sing it now

Up all night, sleep all day
Up all night, sleep all day

Duane "Bo" Goad... One Beautiful Person, One Helluva Farmer

2004-10-25T13:43:00.000-07:00

For some reason, some man by the name of Duane Goad, a dirty Canadian, tried to get credit for a blog about a great man known as Duane Bo Goad.
Trust me... who ever this Duane Goad is...
is NO DUANE BO GOAD!
For those of you who never knew him, Duane Bo Goad was one hell of a man. He was a man's man...a true American.
Born to Gern & Molly Goad in 1944, in a small town in Kentucky. He grew up knowing the ins and the outs of milk farming. His father, Gern Goad, swore that one day his son Duane would become the greatest milk farmer ever!
Well as you may or may not know, he did become the greatest milk farmer ever...but he became so much more than just a "milk farmer"...he became everyone's friend...
everyone's brother...every parent's son.
They used to say, "Hey! There goes Duane Bo Goad...God Damnit! I wish I had a son like that! Instead I have a boy who likes to watch tap dancing. Why must you curse me Lord?!!! Why?!!" You know stuff like.
For those of you who never knew Duane Bo Goad, I deeply apologize. It is not possible for me to write out Duane Bo Goad's life story all at once. But here's what I can do...
Here and there I will give you little stories about Duane Bo Goad. Just little bites. That's how I got to know Duane Bo Goad. But until then, I think the best way to describe Duane Bo Goad for those of you who never knew him, is for you to read the song lyrics that popular 90's rock group Slaughter wrote about him. Take care to all.
We miss you Duane Bo Goad. The Milk industry's misses you...

FLY TO THE ANGELS

Pictures of you
They're still on my mind
You had the smile
That could light up the world
Now it rains
It seems the sun never shines

And I'll drive down
This lonely lonely road
Ooh I got this feelin'
Girl I gotta let you go

'Cause now you've got to fly
Fly to the angels
Heavens awaits your heart
And flowers bloom in your name
You've got to fly
Fly to the angels
All the stars in the night
Shine in your name

You know it hurts me
Way deep inside
When I turn and look
And find that you're not there
I try to convince myself
That the pain, the pain
It's still not gone

UNSKINNY LOTT-YOUR ACT MAKES ME FEEL BLOW-TED...ALL NIGHT & DAY...

2004-10-19T16:22:00.000-07:00

Unskinny Bop

What's got you so jumpy?
Why can't you sit still, yeah?
Like gasoline you wanna pump me
And leave me when you get your fill, yeah

Every time I touch you honey you get hot
I want to make love you never stop
Come up for air you push me to the floor
What's been going on in that head of yours

Chorus:
Unskinny bop
Just blows me away
Unskinny bop, bop
All night and day
Unskinny bop, bop, bop, bop
She just loves to play
Unskinny bop nothin' more to say

You look at me so funny
Love bite got you acting oh so strange
You got too many bees in your honey
Am I just another word in your page, yeah, yeah

Every time I touch you honey you get hot
I want to make love you never stop
Come up for air you push me to the floor
What's been going on in that head of yours

Chorus

You're sayin' my love won't do ya
But that ain't love written on your face
Well honey I can see right through ya
We'll see whose ridin' who at the end of the race

Solo

What's right
What's wrong
What's left
What the hell is going on

Chorus

STINKY POOR PEOPLE

2004-10-19T16:14:00.000-07:00

As I sit here at the library, I see a kid sit down to the computer right next to me. Now I don't know a whole lot about this kid, but what I do know is that he' s poor. How do I know that?
Simple. He stinks. Rich kids don't stink. Only poor kids.
They come from a certain breed in America known as Stinky Poor People. I'm guessin' his mom is single, a.k.a whore. His dad was never there because he's a drug dealer, or he could be a mail order groom from Bangkok. Who knows?
Now some of you may not know what STINKY POOR PEOPLE smells like. It smells very similar to Geoff Lotts act. Yeah.....that bad.

LOTT-SEATTLE'S FALLEN ANGEL

2004-10-18T11:28:00.000-07:00

FALLEN ANGEL

She stepped off the bus out into the city streets
Just a small town girl with her whole life
Packed in a suitcase by her feet

But somehow the lights didn't
shine as bright as they did
On her mama's TV screen

And the work seemed harder
And the days seemed longer
Than she ever thought they'd be

But you know you got to stick to your guns
When it all comes down
Cause sometimes you can't choose
It's like heads they win
Tails you're gonna lose

Chorus:
Win big--Mama's fallen angel
Lose big--livin' out her lies
Wants it all--Mama's fallen angel
Lose it all, rollin' the dice of her life

Now she found herself in the fast lane livin' day to day
Turned her back on her best friends, yeah
And let her family slip away

Just like a lost soul
caught up in the Hollywood scene
All the parties and the limousines

Such a good actress hiding all her pain
Trading her memories for fortune and fame

Just a step away from the edge of a fall
Caught between heaven and hell
Where's the girl I knew a year ago

Chorus

Too much too soon
Or just a little too late
Cause when her ship came in
She wasn't there and it just wouldn't wait

Solo, chorus out

OOOOPS! I KICKED HIM AGAIN...

2004-10-18T10:51:00.000-07:00

It looks as though the GREATEST ENTERTAINER OF ALL TIME has accidenly slipped and kicked God right in the balls. Life just keeps on getting better and better. I guess me being homeless wasn't rock-n-roll enough. Saturday night I drove my home down to Tacoma and ran out of gas on the awesome I-5. Why did I run out of gas at that time? Well because...why on earth would I ever run out of gas next to a gas station and/or when I had money in my wallet. Only money I had was a worthless Canadain Quarter. Do you know what's cool about the Canadain quarter? NOTHING! They remind me of a transexual down the street. "Hey that hot chick is checking me out. I'm going to get closer to her-DAMNIT! IT'S A DUDE. NOW I'M A FAG..."
Same with the worthless Canadian quarter.
"I could get a whole dollar worth of gas. After all, I do have 4 quarters on my person. Wait a minute. I don't think that's a quarter. DAMNIT! IT'S A CANADAIN QUARTER! NOW I'M A FAG IN POVERTY!"
But as much as I hate to give any praise to anyone, I have to say that some people came to my rescue with gas. A Mr. Reeder, Ms. Pilcher, and some other chic came to my rescue and gave me some gas. After of course they laughed at me and made me crawl back into my bedroom, a.k.a, backseat, and cry like a little school girl that I just kidnapped.
I have so much to say about the people that came to my rescue. SO MUCH TO SAY! But I won't. For Christ sake, they did get to take pictures with me for free. You could sell that on EBAY for a gillion dollars. WHAT THE HELL DO THEY WANT FROM ME? DAMN IT!
FACT!

A LOTT OF POISON...

2004-10-15T11:45:00.000-07:00

We both lost da understa in the dead of the night.
Though we both feel close together, we feel miles apart inside.
But I wonder, does he know? Has he ever felt like this?
But da co ef wuu helds, sometimes it cuts me, like a knife.
Thats why they say-

Every rose has it's thorn...
Just like every day has it's dawn.
Just like every cowboy sings a sad, sad song.
Every Rose has it's thorn....
yeah it does...
-solo-
(couldn't remember some of the words to Poison so I just made them up. I suppose you are expecting me to say I'm sorry, well I'm not. Actually, I'm glad I don't remember.)

Lott's thinking to himself, "Hey this Blog isn't the same amazing blog that Tony usually writes. What's going on?"

I would be able to write more, but I'm a little busy writing jokes. Lott should try that. Actually there's a great book at the library called "Writing jokes for dummies and people with poop mouths."

I also can't write a whole lot of "happy" due me working on my curls and shoulders.

I AM THE MOST POWERFUL MAN IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD!

What's that people? You want more? Alright.

Well I never, I never seen ya look so good.
You never act the way you should...but I like it.
And I know you like it too.
The way that I want you.
I got to have you.
'Cause baby we'll be
At the drive-in
In the old man's ford
Behind the bushes
'till your screamin' for more
In the basement
Lock the cellar door
and bab-a
TALK DIRTY TO ME

Now who is this dedicated tooooo? Who knows? I think it's golden to end a blog on song lyrics written by Poison...

Hey Lott, speaking of Poison-
TELL A JOKE TO ME...
or tell a joke to anyone. That's what you're gettin paid for. Just try. Please for the love of God!
If I may quote another classic Poison song-
Lott-
GIVE ME SOMETHING TO BELIEVE IN.

COMING SOON:
DAILY UPDATES ON THE WORKOUTS OF MY MAN BODY...

A WHOLE "LOTT" OF NOTHING...

2004-10-14T10:50:00.000-07:00

"BRING THE HAPPY!"
Wus Up Bitches!
There seems to be a very poopie virus going around town. No it's not the common cold or even the very funny HIV...it's something a lot worse. Or should I say a "Lott" worse.
I don't know who he is or where he comes from, but for some reason he has decided to attack your fellow Greatest Entertainer of All Time. Why? Know one knows? What have I done to this man? NOTHING!
I have done nothing to this poet of poop.
No, I take that back. I did do something to him. And it's something that I do on a day to day basis. Bring happy. That's all I ever wanted to do is "Bring the Happy." But I guess that's not good enough.
You see my bitches, Geoff Lott is a man who wants to have "Happy" banned. He wants it illegal for any man, woman or child to "Bring the Happy". Why would any human being want to make it illegal for any citizen to "Bring the Happy?" Simple. Because Lott is a bad person. "Human Being"? No! "Piece of Crap"? Yes!
I think what it comes down toooooooo, is that Geoff Lott is a little man and choses to steal my Emmy nominated catch phrases while fighting his wars behind a cute little cubical with his $6.00 pants down while masterbating to old episodes of RESCUE 911. I personally don't go down that route. I fight my wars like a man! Face to face with a piece of broken glass in my hand that is very dirty.
So Lott wants to call me out. Fine. He knows where to find me. He knows where I live. And just to make sure he knows where I live, I'll give him my address...again.
You can find me on the corner of 34th nw and 24th. I'll be in my bedroom, a.k.a, front seat of my car. I'll be working on my biceps and trackuloids.
Lott-
You want a war?
DONE!

CROTCH OF THE TITANS!

2004-10-01T01:16:00.000-07:00

Y'know, I often wonder if Chuck Norris ever called me on my home telephone and I picked up the receiver of my telephone with my strong male hand, then proceeded to say, "Hello?" Then Chuck Norris said to me, "Hey Tony. This is Chuck Norris. Christy Brinkley and I were just working out our thighs and buttocks on our Total Gym exercise Machine, and I'd be damned if we both weren't wondering what your favorite word was?"

I'll be honest with you. I would not hesitate to tell the legendary Delta Force movie actor what my favorite word was. It'so simple. My favorite word was, and will forever be, the word " Crotch".

Yeah it's true, some people say "Love" should be a person's favorite word. Well, I stab those people with broken glass that's dirty. Which as you may or may not know, the results of a deep stabbing from dirty glass could cause a nasty infection. As they lay there cut open from the dirty glass, I waive a box of anti-bacterial ointment over there heads.

The word "Crotch" gives very strong detail to any situation
it rubs itself on.

"Examples?" you ask? No.
I don't owe you a damn thing!
But I can see that you and I will not have closure unless examples are shown.
So you want some examples of "Crotch" detailing everyday life situations?

DONE!

You might hear this one around the office:
"Hey Bill. Your breath smells like Crotch!"

Tiny Tim from A Christmas Carol, might say something like this:
"Excuse me, sir. Don't mean to be a bother, but could you kindly get your Crotch out of my face?"

Stinky poor people have the ever so popular catch phrase:
"My belly button smells like a dead homeless man's Crotch. You ain't my babies daddy!"

Do you understand now the power of the word "Crotch?"

I believe the word is so powerful that I'm writing an ancient Greek movie about "Crotch."
It's called, Crotch of the Titans! Starring Seth Green.

The question isn't "Who's stealing my words?" The question is, "Who isn't stealing my words?"

The " I have a dream..." speech.
Mine.
I sold it to Martin Luther King 10 minutes before he read it.
FACT!

So this is why I hate you. Oh by the way, this is only supposed to be read by Geoff Lott.

Also check out:

"duane goad is a bad person" @ gaysuitcollection.blogspot.com

And coming soon, stories about stinky poor people and why they anger me.

@ stinkypoorpeople.blogspot.com